August 11, 2015

"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars." - Gary Allen

In general if someone breaks my trust I find it really hard to forgive, I spend a lot of my time wondering what could've been, and I hate sharing my things.

It's not that I don't want to share my belongings because most of the time I don't mind, it's just hat people have a tendency to not take care of other people's things and that's what really bothers me. Sometimes I just want something all to myself, that's why I often keep things bottled up and hidden away because I just constantly have the feeling that someone is going to come and take it from me, and once they have taken it they're going to do so much better with it then me. 

The real question is; why do I feel like this?

To be honest I've been this way since I was a child. I hated sharing things with my siblings and I would be constantly criticised for my inability to share, but the thing is, in my mind I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk giving someone else something that was so precious to me in case it was damaged when I got it back.
I'm still the same today, which may make me seem childish but if someone has broken my trust in the past I'm going to be incredibly sceptical of them. The other day my sister was borrowing a book of mine and I made her carry it in a zip lock bag because I didn't want her to damage it. My family have learnt to live with it and accept that that's just the way I am, which is the really good thing about families, they love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are.

As well as my things, I'm the same in life. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when other people copy me or do something similar. Not in a way where it's unintentional but if the person is doing something exactly the same as me, it's going to bother me. Personally I think it stems back to the whole inability to share, just picture me as a small child ripping the toy out of your hand because I was too afraid to lend it to you. Sometimes I deliberately don't tell someone something because I know that they will go and do the exact same thing as me and it bothers me, it really does. This happens a lot of the time with friends, because what if the new person likes everyone else more than me? What if they develop a better friendship and I'm left behind because I'm not interesting enough.

It just feels like they're being stolen away from me and therefore I've become second best, tossed aside like yesterdays washing. To be honest I know that for a lot of people I'm they're second or third choice and it sucks, I know it's impossible to be everyones first choice, but consciously knowing that someone only messaged me because they wanted something from me or that I'm their back up hurts. It's the same as when you're with someone and they're texting someone else. It just feels like you're being put second and you're not worth their time. 

From a psychological perspective this will all probably stem from some childhood issue and it will take a few months of therapy and a couple grand to fix, but I guess that makes me, me. No one wants to live in a cookie cutter society where we are exact copies of each other, no matter how exciting it is to find someone with the same interests as you, imagine if everything you loved you the entire world loved and therefore you had to share the things that make you unique with everyone. It may be my inner hipster, but I can't imagine anything worse. I can't imagine living in a world where everyone is the same. I would be bored to death and after years of growing up reading thousands of books where the character who hates everything being the same, is the one who goes on the adventure, changes the nature of society and becomes the hero; to me, it seems like believing in change and difference is the way to be. 

The thing is that by keeping my secrets and my belongings to myself it really isn't hurting anyone. At the end of the day I'm just not sharing something with someone else and that's not harming anyone or going to lead to a life or death situation. Maybe when I'm older I'll learn that skill I was meant to learn at age four but forgot.
One day I might be able to let everyone borrow my things and not have a single care if they are returned damaged (as you can tell I'm still holding onto some grudges), but for now what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.



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  1. Ah Lauren! Love this post because I can totally relate (and i't's more interesting than legal atm haha) xx

    1. I can imagine! Legal was the death of me lol
      It will all be over soon <3