"You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this, and you will find personal strength." - Marcus Aurelius, Meditations  

The thing is, right now I have some pretty amazing stuff happening in my life, but there's always these little fears which still affect me. Everything someone says has an effect on me whether it's meant to or not and it's likely that I will spend hours obsessing over it whether it was something negative or something positive. I don't know why, but it's jus the way I am and that's okay. Self-acceptance is one of the things that most adolescents struggle with, depending on what situation you're in it's often really hard to accept yourself and find your place in the world. The thing you have to remember is that everyone is fighting the same battle, fighting to find where they fit. 

They say never judge a person till you've walked a mile in their shoes, and if there's a list of quotes to live by then this would 100% be on that list. Right now every single individual has a battle which they are fighting, every single person is fighting from the moment they open their eyes to the moment they close them again that night. It's hard to remember this at times when you get caught up in your own world. As humans we have a tendency to become a bit self-obsessed; which is completely fine but it's important to also show an interest in the lives of others, listen to their stories and woes and try and help them remain positive.

Whilst I strongly recommend listen to people's problems and being the best friend you can be, that's one of my personal top priorities in life, it's also important to not give every part of yourself away. Where you get to the point that people are just taking from you, and suddenly you have no time for yourself. Every part of your existence has been stolen away and all you want to do is curl up, because you feel so hollow. At times life can be really overwhelming and sometimes all you want to do is hide away from the world, but from my experience this is the WORST thing you can do. Yes from time to time it's nice to hide away in your room but I know that at the end of the day nothing good can come of this. 

Life can sometimes be incredibly scary and overwhelming but all you have to do is take a deep breath and acknowledge this. You have to accept that life is fragile and that something could go wrong at any moment, but life is too short to live with regrets. Life is too short to say no to amazing opportunities. Life is too short to dwell on petty things. 

Sometimes you have to take a step back and just take some time and deep breaths. This can be if you suffer from anxiety or you just have a temper, stepping back and counting to five can stop you from doing something really awful that could really effect someone, holding your tongue and stopping before you act is really important, but this doesn't mean saying no. Over the past year I've tried to say yes to as many opportunities as I can, forcing time in my schedule to do everything I possibly can and telling the little voice at the back of my head to shove it. From personal experience saying yes has led to nothing but joy. Though I've also said no to some things because it just didn't feel right, there's a difference and whilst it is a fine line you just have to give yourself a little push, because you never know what could come of it. You have to fight for what you believe in and fight for what you want, because no one else is going to fight for you. 

At the end of the day, whilst it is really important to have support and be supportive, you have to rely on your own personal strength, your own faith in yourself and your ability to look after yourself. You have gotten this far on your own, and you're the one whose tucking yourself into bed at night, there's no one to hold your hand and help you through it's just you. Sometimes we need a reminder of our own personal strength and whilst there is nothing wrong with getting help if you need it, you're are the one that needs to ask for help. Everyone does need a little help sometimes but it takes a great deal of courage to accept yourself for who you are, and take steps to face your fears and solve your own problems. It takes courage to face the world everyday when it seems so much safer in your room, but just think of what amazing opportunities could be just around the corner!  

Be brave, take baby steps, I'm always here if you need me and I have faith in you. 

♡♡♡

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"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars." - Gary Allen

In general if someone breaks my trust I find it really hard to forgive, I spend a lot of my time wondering what could've been, and I hate sharing my things.

It's not that I don't want to share my belongings because most of the time I don't mind, it's just hat people have a tendency to not take care of other people's things and that's what really bothers me. Sometimes I just want something all to myself, that's why I often keep things bottled up and hidden away because I just constantly have the feeling that someone is going to come and take it from me, and once they have taken it they're going to do so much better with it then me. 

The real question is; why do I feel like this?

To be honest I've been this way since I was a child. I hated sharing things with my siblings and I would be constantly criticised for my inability to share, but the thing is, in my mind I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk giving someone else something that was so precious to me in case it was damaged when I got it back.
I'm still the same today, which may make me seem childish but if someone has broken my trust in the past I'm going to be incredibly sceptical of them. The other day my sister was borrowing a book of mine and I made her carry it in a zip lock bag because I didn't want her to damage it. My family have learnt to live with it and accept that that's just the way I am, which is the really good thing about families, they love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are.

As well as my things, I'm the same in life. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when other people copy me or do something similar. Not in a way where it's unintentional but if the person is doing something exactly the same as me, it's going to bother me. Personally I think it stems back to the whole inability to share, just picture me as a small child ripping the toy out of your hand because I was too afraid to lend it to you. Sometimes I deliberately don't tell someone something because I know that they will go and do the exact same thing as me and it bothers me, it really does. This happens a lot of the time with friends, because what if the new person likes everyone else more than me? What if they develop a better friendship and I'm left behind because I'm not interesting enough.

It just feels like they're being stolen away from me and therefore I've become second best, tossed aside like yesterdays washing. To be honest I know that for a lot of people I'm they're second or third choice and it sucks, I know it's impossible to be everyones first choice, but consciously knowing that someone only messaged me because they wanted something from me or that I'm their back up hurts. It's the same as when you're with someone and they're texting someone else. It just feels like you're being put second and you're not worth their time. 

From a psychological perspective this will all probably stem from some childhood issue and it will take a few months of therapy and a couple grand to fix, but I guess that makes me, me. No one wants to live in a cookie cutter society where we are exact copies of each other, no matter how exciting it is to find someone with the same interests as you, imagine if everything you loved you the entire world loved and therefore you had to share the things that make you unique with everyone. It may be my inner hipster, but I can't imagine anything worse. I can't imagine living in a world where everyone is the same. I would be bored to death and after years of growing up reading thousands of books where the character who hates everything being the same, is the one who goes on the adventure, changes the nature of society and becomes the hero; to me, it seems like believing in change and difference is the way to be. 

The thing is that by keeping my secrets and my belongings to myself it really isn't hurting anyone. At the end of the day I'm just not sharing something with someone else and that's not harming anyone or going to lead to a life or death situation. Maybe when I'm older I'll learn that skill I was meant to learn at age four but forgot.
One day I might be able to let everyone borrow my things and not have a single care if they are returned damaged (as you can tell I'm still holding onto some grudges), but for now what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.

♡♡♡

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"We can easily forgive a child for being afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato

There are so many quotes to describe fear, so many beautiful sayings by beautiful people with incredible viewpoints on life. It's strange that something as powerful and overwhelming as fear is something so universally experienced. It's not like fear is this completely revolutionary topic that has never been spoken about before, because it has. Fear has been psychologically picked to pieces and I think that the most common, explanation is the flight or fight response.

When fear strikes we call upon or primal instincts, and generally our instincts tell us to either strap on the boxing gloves and fight or turn around and bolt in the other direction. I don't entirely understand where this instinct comes from but I know that we experience it. We are shown it on television and in books but when I think back on my entire 18 years of life I have not once been told how to deal with fear. The general and stereotypical idea is "face your fears." We are meant to mirror the protagonist in all our favourite TV shows and books where they take on the bad guy and defeat them, getting the girl or the gold. But the thing is, that's fiction, it's a writer creating a world that doesn't exist where they have 100% control over what happens. From the perspective of an average person it's sometimes incredibly hard and often dangerous to mirror the values that we are subjected to our whole lives, we are left wondering what we are doing wrong and why we can't overcome our fear.

Generally speaking I usually run. I take flight and avoid my problems. Sometimes I run and never face them. Other times I run till I feel brave enough the face my fears. Then I'll run back and fight them. I'll fight for what I want and I won't let fear run my life. But when I do this, it's often too late. I've missed the opportunity to do something great all because I got scared. That's what bothers me the most about fear. Not the fact that it makes my body shake or that it makes me cry, I hate that it makes me miss out. It brings back the whole idea of 'FOMO' but ironically it's all connected. You're scared to say yes, so you turn down an offer then you're stuck with that fear of missing out, feeling like you're being left behind.

The thing about fear is that you remember what you're scared of but you can't remember feeling fear. I don't know whether this is some psychological, natural human response where we repress certain feelings but I can't remember feeling that feeling of being scared. I can remember moments and memories where I would've felt scared and afraid but I can't remember that tight feeling in my chest, where my palms beginning to sweat, my heart-rate skyrockets and my body begins to shake uncontrollably. I know that growing up I was scared of dogs and the dark but in those moments where I would've felt scared I don't remember what it physically feels like.
Did I have a different response to fear than what I do now? Was I brave and optimistically believed that I could face every fear?

At the end of the day we all want to know how do you stop feeling scared. We want to know how to you stop letting fear control our lives.

To tell you the truth I have no clue. I don't know why or how but sometimes fear controls my life and it stops me from doing the things I love with the people I love more than anything in the world. I let my fears become so much bigger than they are, and it's not right. Fear should not have that much power of an individual. Being scared is a state of mind not a physical barrier, and I think that taking the time to acknowledge that is the first step in facing your fears. I don't know anyone who is completely fearless. Everyone I know is afraid of something and even though that's what makes us human many people fight fear. They think it's a sign of weakness.

I don't know how much about fear, but what I do know and believe is that we are given a choice.
We are given the choice to fight or take flight.

♡♡♡

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"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say what counts." - Margaret Lee Runbeck

Dedicated to the people talking about Guardians of the Galaxy on the bus. 

So today I was sitting on the bus, half listening to music and half eavesdropping on the people sitting a few rows behind me. By the sound of their conversation it seemed as though they had just met or did not know each other very well and it got me thinking about conversations. 

When you think about it, having a conversation with someone is something really weird. I guess anything that we do as humans can be incredibly weird when you you begin to analyse it.

You can have conversations that are completely one-sided, where there is only one voice talking. You can have conversations which are more like a question and answer segment, where the people in the conversation have adopted this tactic to help the conversation flow. I've noticed a lot of shy people, including myself do this because if the other person I'm conversing with doesn't really uphold their end I don't know what to say. There are conversations you have with people and it just works. There's not other way to describe it. Everything flows right and you feel no pressure to think of something to say. Even if the conversation drifts off you are able to sit in silence and not feel awkward.

Being the nosey person I am, eavesdropping is one of my favourite hobbies. I love listening to people's conversations and even at my internship, someone said I have that look about me. I'm still not 100% sure what that means to be completely honest.

When you think about it, we all have so many different habits and quirks which allow us to be individuals. It's those defining characteristics which make us individual and without those individual characteristics and opinions we would all be the same. We would be exact copies of each other and then we would suffer. No one wants to live in a world like that.

I'm not sure whether it's because I'm curious or because I've always been a shy person but for me, listening to two strangers have a conversation is something I find incredibly interesting. Sometimes it's nice to get a sneak peak into someone else's day.

♡♡♡

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"Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart." - Jose N Harris

Today has been an awful day for so many people, and not just in the fact that it's been pouring rain. On days like this, the weather is speaking the words that so many people can't

I don't want to write about something that had nothing to do with me personally, but when something like this happens it shakes you. It makes you question everything. Whether you knew the person personally or you just know their friends and family, it's still such a scary and awful thing to happen.

When something like this happens those affected feel a sense of emptiness, because they have lost a piece of their lives. They have lost a small fragment of the puzzle that makes a person who they are.

People deal with this loss in so many different ways. Some use it to their advantage, and use such tragic events for their own personal gain. Others tend to lash out and become filled with rage and anger. They take out their pain and frustration on those who love them. And the most common is shutting yourself off. Locking all the doors and refusing to make contact with the outside world, because you know it will hurt too much.

People deal with loss in such different ways, and it's hard to be there for the ones that we love, but we have to try. No matter how hard they push away, we have to stay strong. We have to keep sending those happy vibes into the world and be there for those who need us, even in their darkest moments. Sometimes just knowing someone is there, is all that a person needs.

I don't know why it happened or what I can do to make it okay, I do know that another angel has returned to heaven and my thoughts and prayers are with those who need it. I'm always here, rain or shine, night or day. I promise I'm always here for those who need me.

♡♡♡

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