"You can be the moon and still be jealous of the stars." - Gary Allen

In general if someone breaks my trust I find it really hard to forgive, I spend a lot of my time wondering what could've been, and I hate sharing my things.

It's not that I don't want to share my belongings because most of the time I don't mind, it's just hat people have a tendency to not take care of other people's things and that's what really bothers me. Sometimes I just want something all to myself, that's why I often keep things bottled up and hidden away because I just constantly have the feeling that someone is going to come and take it from me, and once they have taken it they're going to do so much better with it then me. 

The real question is; why do I feel like this?

To be honest I've been this way since I was a child. I hated sharing things with my siblings and I would be constantly criticised for my inability to share, but the thing is, in my mind I couldn't risk it. I couldn't risk giving someone else something that was so precious to me in case it was damaged when I got it back.
I'm still the same today, which may make me seem childish but if someone has broken my trust in the past I'm going to be incredibly sceptical of them. The other day my sister was borrowing a book of mine and I made her carry it in a zip lock bag because I didn't want her to damage it. My family have learnt to live with it and accept that that's just the way I am, which is the really good thing about families, they love you unconditionally and accept you for who you are.

As well as my things, I'm the same in life. It makes me incredibly uncomfortable when other people copy me or do something similar. Not in a way where it's unintentional but if the person is doing something exactly the same as me, it's going to bother me. Personally I think it stems back to the whole inability to share, just picture me as a small child ripping the toy out of your hand because I was too afraid to lend it to you. Sometimes I deliberately don't tell someone something because I know that they will go and do the exact same thing as me and it bothers me, it really does. This happens a lot of the time with friends, because what if the new person likes everyone else more than me? What if they develop a better friendship and I'm left behind because I'm not interesting enough.

It just feels like they're being stolen away from me and therefore I've become second best, tossed aside like yesterdays washing. To be honest I know that for a lot of people I'm they're second or third choice and it sucks, I know it's impossible to be everyones first choice, but consciously knowing that someone only messaged me because they wanted something from me or that I'm their back up hurts. It's the same as when you're with someone and they're texting someone else. It just feels like you're being put second and you're not worth their time. 

From a psychological perspective this will all probably stem from some childhood issue and it will take a few months of therapy and a couple grand to fix, but I guess that makes me, me. No one wants to live in a cookie cutter society where we are exact copies of each other, no matter how exciting it is to find someone with the same interests as you, imagine if everything you loved you the entire world loved and therefore you had to share the things that make you unique with everyone. It may be my inner hipster, but I can't imagine anything worse. I can't imagine living in a world where everyone is the same. I would be bored to death and after years of growing up reading thousands of books where the character who hates everything being the same, is the one who goes on the adventure, changes the nature of society and becomes the hero; to me, it seems like believing in change and difference is the way to be. 

The thing is that by keeping my secrets and my belongings to myself it really isn't hurting anyone. At the end of the day I'm just not sharing something with someone else and that's not harming anyone or going to lead to a life or death situation. Maybe when I'm older I'll learn that skill I was meant to learn at age four but forgot.
One day I might be able to let everyone borrow my things and not have a single care if they are returned damaged (as you can tell I'm still holding onto some grudges), but for now what's mine is mine and what's yours is yours.

♡♡♡

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"We can easily forgive a child for being afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato

There are so many quotes to describe fear, so many beautiful sayings by beautiful people with incredible viewpoints on life. It's strange that something as powerful and overwhelming as fear is something so universally experienced. It's not like fear is this completely revolutionary topic that has never been spoken about before, because it has. Fear has been psychologically picked to pieces and I think that the most common, explanation is the flight or fight response.

When fear strikes we call upon or primal instincts, and generally our instincts tell us to either strap on the boxing gloves and fight or turn around and bolt in the other direction. I don't entirely understand where this instinct comes from but I know that we experience it. We are shown it on television and in books but when I think back on my entire 18 years of life I have not once been told how to deal with fear. The general and stereotypical idea is "face your fears." We are meant to mirror the protagonist in all our favourite TV shows and books where they take on the bad guy and defeat them, getting the girl or the gold. But the thing is, that's fiction, it's a writer creating a world that doesn't exist where they have 100% control over what happens. From the perspective of an average person it's sometimes incredibly hard and often dangerous to mirror the values that we are subjected to our whole lives, we are left wondering what we are doing wrong and why we can't overcome our fear.

Generally speaking I usually run. I take flight and avoid my problems. Sometimes I run and never face them. Other times I run till I feel brave enough the face my fears. Then I'll run back and fight them. I'll fight for what I want and I won't let fear run my life. But when I do this, it's often too late. I've missed the opportunity to do something great all because I got scared. That's what bothers me the most about fear. Not the fact that it makes my body shake or that it makes me cry, I hate that it makes me miss out. It brings back the whole idea of 'FOMO' but ironically it's all connected. You're scared to say yes, so you turn down an offer then you're stuck with that fear of missing out, feeling like you're being left behind.

The thing about fear is that you remember what you're scared of but you can't remember feeling fear. I don't know whether this is some psychological, natural human response where we repress certain feelings but I can't remember feeling that feeling of being scared. I can remember moments and memories where I would've felt scared and afraid but I can't remember that tight feeling in my chest, where my palms beginning to sweat, my heart-rate skyrockets and my body begins to shake uncontrollably. I know that growing up I was scared of dogs and the dark but in those moments where I would've felt scared I don't remember what it physically feels like.
Did I have a different response to fear than what I do now? Was I brave and optimistically believed that I could face every fear?

At the end of the day we all want to know how do you stop feeling scared. We want to know how to you stop letting fear control our lives.

To tell you the truth I have no clue. I don't know why or how but sometimes fear controls my life and it stops me from doing the things I love with the people I love more than anything in the world. I let my fears become so much bigger than they are, and it's not right. Fear should not have that much power of an individual. Being scared is a state of mind not a physical barrier, and I think that taking the time to acknowledge that is the first step in facing your fears. I don't know anyone who is completely fearless. Everyone I know is afraid of something and even though that's what makes us human many people fight fear. They think it's a sign of weakness.

I don't know how much about fear, but what I do know and believe is that we are given a choice.
We are given the choice to fight or take flight.

♡♡♡

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"Silences make the real conversations between friends. Not the saying but the never needing to say what counts." - Margaret Lee Runbeck

Dedicated to the people talking about Guardians of the Galaxy on the bus. 

So today I was sitting on the bus, half listening to music and half eavesdropping on the people sitting a few rows behind me. By the sound of their conversation it seemed as though they had just met or did not know each other very well and it got me thinking about conversations. 

When you think about it, having a conversation with someone is something really weird. I guess anything that we do as humans can be incredibly weird when you you begin to analyse it.

You can have conversations that are completely one-sided, where there is only one voice talking. You can have conversations which are more like a question and answer segment, where the people in the conversation have adopted this tactic to help the conversation flow. I've noticed a lot of shy people, including myself do this because if the other person I'm conversing with doesn't really uphold their end I don't know what to say. There are conversations you have with people and it just works. There's not other way to describe it. Everything flows right and you feel no pressure to think of something to say. Even if the conversation drifts off you are able to sit in silence and not feel awkward.

Being the nosey person I am, eavesdropping is one of my favourite hobbies. I love listening to people's conversations and even at my internship, someone said I have that look about me. I'm still not 100% sure what that means to be completely honest.

When you think about it, we all have so many different habits and quirks which allow us to be individuals. It's those defining characteristics which make us individual and without those individual characteristics and opinions we would all be the same. We would be exact copies of each other and then we would suffer. No one wants to live in a world like that.

I'm not sure whether it's because I'm curious or because I've always been a shy person but for me, listening to two strangers have a conversation is something I find incredibly interesting. Sometimes it's nice to get a sneak peak into someone else's day.

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"Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart." - Jose N Harris

Today has been an awful day for so many people, and not just in the fact that it's been pouring rain. On days like this, the weather is speaking the words that so many people can't

I don't want to write about something that had nothing to do with me personally, but when something like this happens it shakes you. It makes you question everything. Whether you knew the person personally or you just know their friends and family, it's still such a scary and awful thing to happen.

When something like this happens those affected feel a sense of emptiness, because they have lost a piece of their lives. They have lost a small fragment of the puzzle that makes a person who they are.

People deal with this loss in so many different ways. Some use it to their advantage, and use such tragic events for their own personal gain. Others tend to lash out and become filled with rage and anger. They take out their pain and frustration on those who love them. And the most common is shutting yourself off. Locking all the doors and refusing to make contact with the outside world, because you know it will hurt too much.

People deal with loss in such different ways, and it's hard to be there for the ones that we love, but we have to try. No matter how hard they push away, we have to stay strong. We have to keep sending those happy vibes into the world and be there for those who need us, even in their darkest moments. Sometimes just knowing someone is there, is all that a person needs.

I don't know why it happened or what I can do to make it okay, I do know that another angel has returned to heaven and my thoughts and prayers are with those who need it. I'm always here, rain or shine, night or day. I promise I'm always here for those who need me.

♡♡♡

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"Thinking is easy, acting is difficult, and to put put one's thoughts into action is the most difficult thing in the world." - Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

One of my all time favourite past times, is to sit in bed and watch YouTube videos, and I think Sunday is the best day of the week for this. Now on this particular Sunday I have been catching up on some vlogs, which are my all-time favourite YouTube videos. 

I'm sort of sad now, I'm sick of sitting here doing nothing, I want to travel, I want to go somewhere and it's not helping that no one else is really very excited to do something. For someone whose never left their own country the travel bug is hitting harder than ever and right now I am trying to save every penny I can, so one day I will be able to travel the world. Explore the cities that I love and the meet the people I'm yet to meet.

Today I'm just feeling very confused. Kind of lost and a bit sad. For some of my friends there is a lot happening for them right now, everything is taking off and I couldn't be prouder or happier if I tried, but with these feelings of happiness there is naturally feelings of sadness and jealousy too. I kind of feel like I'm stuck in a bit of a rut, and even though the days keep going by and the months keep turning over I feel like I'm going no where. I feel like I'm being left behind. 

I'm beginning to question everything. Every life choice and every decision that I've made. I have so many goals and aspirations and my bucket list is 1805845km long, yet I've done none of them. I'm still in bed, at 1pm on a Sunday, just thinking. 

I don't write  for sympathy. I don't write so people will feel sorry for me, or ask if I'm okay. I write for me. I write so I can sleep better at night and I write so I don't carry around any negativity. Positive vibes only. 

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it in my bones. I'm so stoked to whip out my camera  and spend some time with the people I love.

♡♡♡

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"One thing that you can't hide - is when you're crippled inside." - John Lennon 

Today was not the best of days so far. It started off pretty good, and didn't end that badly, but somewhere in the middle it all went a little bit wrong. Sometimes one thing happens, and you think you're over it. Then another thing happens, and you think you're over it. Then a third thing happens, and whilst you're still trying to cope with this one, a little something called snowballing happens. 

All these bad things have gathered into one giant snowball, and when you thought you did the right thing by putting them behind you, you really just turned your back on a moving object that is slowly coming towards you. And the worst part is, you didn't even notice how big the snowball was until you were crushed under it,  a wet, soppy mess. 

In today's culture you're allowed to be a mess and you're allowed to take as long as you need to deal with whatever you're dealing with, almost to the extent where it's glamorised to be a mess. Being a mess is not okay. Being a mess sucks. It's not nice to feel like the whole world has turned against you when really it's only a couple of minor problems that just suddenly turned into one massive snowball. 

Now there's two sides to every story. Everyone feels certain emotions at some point in time, and that's okay because we're human. You're allowed to have your moment where you collapse onto your bed and let the tears flow, but the real way to deal with your emotions is to have your moment. Let your pillow soak up all your problems. Then pick yourself up, dust yourself off, go wash your face and finally move on. 

The snowball days aren't fun. No one likes the idea of all their emotions creeping up on them to the extent that it makes them feel sick, but it sometimes just happens and the most important thing is that you have to do what makes you happy. I know this is one of the most overused phrases ever but in the end it's just you against the world. There's no one to hold your hand when you're sad or buy you chocolates, it's just you. And if you're not happy doing what you're doing, screw what everyone else thinks you HAVE to think of yourself, because you're the one whose there at the start of the day and at the end of the day. 

When you think about recovering from a snowball day, you think off the people that pull you up. The people that hand you a towel and a tissue. More times than not, these are you friends. Now when you think about your friends you're begin to picture a few faces in your head. There are the people who you are simply friends with because you have been friends with them for so long that it's hard not to be friends with them. There's the friends that support you in everything you do, the friends that tell you you're amazing and how proud they are of you. The friends that tell you that you can take on the world and that you deserve the absolute best. There is also the friends that put you second, they suck every living drop out of you till you cannot give anymore and leave. They leave you a hollow shell. A hollow shell, with a snowball approaching and not even a scarf to protect you. Some friends do this unintentionally, unintentionally realising they're hurting you, unintentionally realising that they're pushing you away. One of the hardest things in this world is trying to realise who your true friends are, and to tell you the truth, I don't know. I don't know how to tell who your true friends are, but I guess we just have to sit and hope that the friends that we've surrounded ourself with are true. 

There are good days, there are bad days and there are snowball days. In the end it's you against the world. So if I have any advice, coming from someone whose recently faced a snowball day, it's put on a coat. For now it's a little bit chilly, but I can see the sun coming out from behind the clouds. 

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images taken by me on my Canon 1200D.

"For every minute that you remain angry, you give up sixty seconds of peace of mind." - Ralph Waldo Emerson

Anger and frustration is something that we are all constantly constantly plagued with. It doesn't matter who the person is, or what you think of them, at some point you are going to get mad and disagree with some if their choices.  

"Happiness is not something that can be made. It comes from your own actions." - The Dalai Lama 

So I think I've got it back? Or at least I'm trying to get it back. I don't understand what's wrong with me or why I'm having these feelings, but lately I just have been scared to blog, which is strange for me because there is nothing I love more than knowing people are reading what I write. But I think I've found a solution. I'm currently reading Zoe Sugg aka Zoella's novel 'Girl Online', and I love it. I am obsessed and it is honestly inspiring me so much to write again, so today I thought I would write a little post about happiness. 

Right now, my life is going so well, and at the back of my mind, there's this little thought saying "not for much longer," and I'm not fond of that voice, if I'm honest I want to kick it out, because this post is not about some pesky voice at the back of my head, but rather the immense feelings of happiness which I am currently plagued with. I feel so incredibly spoilt, a lot of things in my life right now are going absolutely perfectly, and when I look back on the year that was I feel so incredibly happy. Even though this has been one of the most stressful years of my young life, I'm so happy it's done. I feel so incredibly free and I feel like I can just do what I want. 

I don't want this year to end, the months are absolutely flying by and there's still so much I want to do, before I start University in the Fall, we don't call it Fall in Australia, I just thought it sounded cooler saying I start Uni in the fall. 

There is so much happy in my life right now and lately I've been having these days where I just burst into tears because I am so incredibly happy. Wonderful things are happening to my closest friends and it just makes me SO HAPPY. I don't know why, but I do know that I have chosen some of the best people to spend my life with, and the fact that they are happy makes me feel so overwhelmed with joy and pride I just burst into tears. I don't understand myself at this moment in time, I don't understand why I feel so incredibly emotional, so I thought blogging about it might give me some clarity. 

I just want to bottle up all this happiness and store it away forever. I am about to do some amazing things over the next couple weeks and I cannot wait to share it with you all. My eyes will be locked on my camera and I will be posting as many photos as humanly possible on this blog, that reminds me, I need to buy a new memory card so I will have plenty of room for capturing all these incredible things. 

I have been given so many opportunities, and if I'm honest, I feel like I don't deserve them. I am surrounded by the most wonderful, supportive and enthusiastic people, who I know I can come to about absolutely anything and everything. I don't know why I was ever scared to tell people more about my life, because from what I'm experiencing right now, it's one of the best decisions I have ever made. I feel like I don't deserve this happiness, and I feel like one day it's all going to disappear and I'll be alone again. It's sort of similar to what happened to Charlotte in Sex and the City, where everything is going so incredibly well in your life you begin to develop this fear, this fear that something is going to go wrong, this fear that you've done something wrong and this fear that there is just someone out there waiting to take your happiness and rip it from you, someone is going to take your happiness and stomp on it, till that great balloon of joy is nothing but an empty piece of rubber in the dirt. 

Happiness is very fragile and it can be taken away so easily. Some people will feed off other's happiness, trying to suck them dry and take away their happiness. Other people rejoice in happiness, trying to spread it around so the entire world can bask in this feeling of absolute joy. It's up to you to decide what type of presence you bring to this world and what type of person you are. 

People have always told me that the most important thing is for you to be happy, and I never really understood what they were saying until now. During the HSC my friend Negin said, 'but the most important thing is that you're happy and that you're healthy.' At the time all I could think was, 'yeah I know, but right now my happiness has got to take second place to my future.' Now, thinking back on what she said and happiness has got to be linked to your health, because even though I don't get the most sleep or eat the healthiest, I just feel so happy and so thankful for all the opportunities that I have been given, for all the people in my life, and for you, yes you reading this right now. I'm thankful for you. We may not know each other very well, or we may not know each other at all, but by you reading this right now, because right now, whether you know it or not, you're making me feel very, very happy. 

Do you understand what I'm going through? Do you sometimes get this overwhelming feeling of happiness? And hey, what's making you feel happy right now? 

♡♡♡

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"Should Graffiti be judged on the same level as modern art? Of course not, it's way more important than that." - Banksy 

Okay so I know I wrote a post a long time ago about how I was feeling really uninspired with my blog lately, but I've decided that it's got to stop. There are too many wonderful things happening in my life right now and I want to share them with you so badly. I have my beautiful camera and I just want to be able to document my life on here and through videos. 

It's weird a weird thought though, as I write this post all I can think about is the fact that all Augustus Waters wanted was to be remembered, he wanted people to know his name and in the previous paragraph I was going to write, I want to be able to document my life on here and through videos, so I can be remembered, but the thing is though, behind all the sadness, pain and hardship that is The Fault in Our Stars it teaches you that you should only want to be remembered by those that you really know, your friends, family, loved ones, etc. 

So basically I can't decide if I'm being selfish by writing these blog posts. Of course I want to leave my mark on the world but at the same time I don't want to seem like I am ungrateful for all the wonderful friends and family that I have been blessed with. I write this blog for me, so I can sleep better and just for my own personal therapy. So I can I just have my little corner of the internet, where I'm not scared to put myself out there, where I can just write from my heart and not feel pressured unintentionally by those around me to write. 

I basically began this post because I saw this cartoon trailer for Zoe Sugg (Zoella)'s book Girl Online and I remembered how much I loved my blog and how much I enjoyed blogging, so I'm gonna try and go back to my daily posts, but lets see how this goes. 

No pressure. 

No obligations. 

Just you and me. 

♡♡♡

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"Don't limit yourself. Many people limit themselves to what they think they can do. You can go as far as your mind lets you. What you believe, remember, you can achieve." - Mary Kay Ash

So over the past week I have been feeling a bit uninspired when it came to my blog and I just feel like I have had nothing to write about. This had made me really sad because I love to write on this blog and clear my head. Today I though it has been over a week since I wrote on this space and I need to write something. I need to get the thoughts out of my head and put my thoughts out into the world. 

Inspiration is something which I used to find everywhere and I used to be able to see something and rattle off a blogpost as easy as pie, but I have not found something that has made me go yes, I want to write about that in such a long time and so I've decided that I need to make more effort. I need to put more time and work into my blog, to make this space a lot nicer for people to come and read and just find some things that interests them. 

A blog is pretty much an online journal, or that's how I use mine and it's quite scary to share that and allow people to read what goes on in your head, and for me that means a lot of people now know my deepest darkest secrets and my most intimate thoughts on various things, but I'm coming around to the idea. I get so much positive feedback on my blog and I honestly work incredibly hard on all the posts that go up, so I think I should be proud to share my work. I shouldn't live in fear of people finding my blog or my YouTube channel, which has been happening a lot more lately. 

I waited to high school finished before I started my YouTube channel, I waited over a year till I shared my blog with all my friends, and I still haven't told a lot of my family about it, but that's okay. It's our little secret. It's just my space, where I can write and think what I like and I do miss posting everyday and I'm going to try and make an effort to blog more because even as I write and and ramble away I feel like so much pressure is being released from my shoulders and my brain and I don't feel like I'm missing something. 

If anything this week off blogging has taught me that I need to share my work and I need to have the courage to put my thoughts into the world, because so far I have got nothing but a positive response, now that might change in the future, but as long as I'm happy, healthy and having fun, I honestly don't think it matters what other people think of you or think of what you're doing. 

So I hope you enjoyed this rambly little post where I just stream of consciousness wrote and that you have a wonderful day! 

♡♡♡

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"It's much easier to not know about things sometimes. Things change and friends leave. And life doesn't stop for anybody." - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

So, it's all over. Today was my first proper day of complete and utter freedom. I never have to wear a school uniform again. I have completed my HSC (High School Certificate) and I have never felt so free. This is honestly one of the oddest feelings because I really don't know what to do with myself. 

I've edited and uploaded my first YouTube video. I've purchased myself a MacBook. Had a play with my new camera and browsed my DVD collection a good couple of times before I've found something I actually want to watch. I basically don't know what to do with myself. I'm organising social activities left, right and centre but other than that I'm just tidying my room and getting my strength back. 

I guess the HSC was a somewhat positive experience. It allows you to test yourself, and test what you've learnt no matter how cruel the methods. I also think that I've earned my free time. I've worked hard for six whole years and now I can do what ever I like. 

You know in a couple months I'm going to say to myself the HSC wasn't that bad, but you know what I'm writing it down now. I'm putting it on record that the HSC was bloody hard. There was tears, there was sleepless nights, there was more support and encouragement that ever imaginable and a countless amount of hugs. It's all over. It's all done and if you have any suggestions of anything I could do with myself to fill in some time then please please let me know!

Oh and guess what NORMAL POSTING IS BACK!!! No more delayed 5 day spam! 

Ps. That image really made me laugh, because there is no way in hell I am crying because the HSC is over.

♡♡♡

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