I Can't Sleep.

October 05, 2014

"I don't know if you've ever felt like that. That you wanted to sleep for a thousand years. Or not just exist. Or just not be aware that you do exist. Or something like that. I think wanting that is very morbid, but I want it when I get like this. That's why I'm trying not to think, I just want it all to stop spinning." - Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower 

[prepare for a teenager whinging about final exams]

Okay it's almost 2:30am and I can't sleep. I know 2:30 isn't even that late at night or early in the morning but it's really annoying me that I can't sleep. I have my phone plugged in with my alarm set, I have my sleeping mask on and I have the covers in a somewhat balance between too hot and too cold. The neighbours have quietened down (literally could hear both ends of her phone call BOTH) and I'm ready to go to sleep. Yet I'm still sitting here, I'm sitting her writing this post and not sleeping and no matter what I do I cannot get to sleep.

Sleeping is one of the oddest things that we as humans do. Every night we put on special clothes, lie on special furniture and remain unconscious for 2-12 hours depending on how much sleep you actually get. 

Personally I am a night owl. I love sleeping in and I always get the most work down between 10pm and 2am when everyone in my house is either getting ready for bed or are in bed. However for the next 25 days I have to force myself to continue to wake up at 7. I hate waking up early, I hate it. I prefer to lay in bed till midday and then go to bed late if it means that I DON'T HAVE TO WAKE UP EARLY OR SET AN ALARM. 

I know I don't get enough sleep, and I know that during these HSC times everyone says the most important thing is to sleep, eat and keep yourself healthy but I think I would feel much happier and much healthier if I didn't have to be up at the crack of dawn every day fighting for my future. Fighting for the life I want to live, and I know good things come to those who wait and what not but I'm sick of it. I'm sick of working my butt off and getting no where. I don't want to write essays or read books that I don't like or don't enjoy, I want to write blog posts and watch and film YouTube videos. 
I am done with this student life. 
I want to live my life. My life where I can do what I want, my life where I am free. 

I know my parents have sacrificed a lot for me to have an education and so that my life would be better, but the pressure that society puts on us to do well during our HSC is killing students. No other Western countries in the world have something quite as vigorous as this and I don't think it's fair. I know I have no right to whinge because there are so many bigger things in the world that I could be writing about. So many more issues than some random Australian whinging about her final exams, but the thing is, once these exams are over, once I stop being such a drama queen I can live my life, I can focus on what's more important. I can focus my energy on helping those in need instead of whinging about how stressed and tired I am. 
I can write posts about people who need help and I hopefully will be able to help people. I want to use my voice for the good, the good of tomorrow. I'm sick of being silent and I've just had enough. 

I want to take pictures, I want to write, I want to film videos and I want to live my life. 
I just have to wait 25 for more days. 


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